Well someones been prayin....
Yesterday it was like a cloud lifted, hope settled in and it wrapped me in its ever-loving arms and held me tight. I'm still there today.
"O Lord correct me, but with justice, Not in anger, lest You bring me to nothing" You did.
Thank you.
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
Monday, December 15, 2008
Sipping the cup....
Jesus said" if it your will take this cup away from me; nevertheless not My will, but yours, be done.
Well he drank , the whole cup. That was Gods will. He confirmed again His submission," permit this" when his disciples cut one of servant ears off when they came to take him. Not anyone took note that he just healed the guy. Were they focused or what. Rabid I call it.
He who abides in Him ought to himself also to walk just as He walked. 1 John 1:6
God asks us to drink from the cup of suffering, to share in Christs lot. Me,me pick me, we say, right? Not quite. Maybe if I keep a low profile, you know not make waves, He'll pass me by. OR maybe if I pray everyday, GO TO CHURCH, tithe, 15% , that'll keep Him off my scent. Its funny, when we want something from God, we do the same things, GOING TO CHURCH, tithe, pray. mmmmm?
Well lately I feel like I've sipped from the "cup". Not a big drink compared to Christ, but a sip.
I thought it would bear fruit, it should right? But I find myself getting really ticked off at the different situations I find myself in. Gods put a lot of thing in my lap that would humble most people, being stripped of everything should make appreciate things that you given back, not me, it just has made me want more!!!!! Ingrate!!! True confessions. If I was Jesus standing next to the guy with the ear that just got lopped off, I'm pretty sure I wouldn't lay hands on him to heal him! When I look around, or hear of others trials thats enough to bring me to my knees in repentance, but its not long before I find myself at it again.. grumbling ! I've really felt this the last three weeks or so. Before I could just take a deep breath when my " sleeping arm" knocked something over, or when I couldn't open a jar with my usual tricks. Why now? when I have come so far should I lose hope? lose patience? Maybe this is just a phase, I've find myself crying again, like today I went out to see my horse and I unexpectedly started wailing. Good thing I was alone! Maybe its more grieving, I thought that was over....
Well he drank , the whole cup. That was Gods will. He confirmed again His submission," permit this" when his disciples cut one of servant ears off when they came to take him. Not anyone took note that he just healed the guy. Were they focused or what. Rabid I call it.
He who abides in Him ought to himself also to walk just as He walked. 1 John 1:6
God asks us to drink from the cup of suffering, to share in Christs lot. Me,me pick me, we say, right? Not quite. Maybe if I keep a low profile, you know not make waves, He'll pass me by. OR maybe if I pray everyday, GO TO CHURCH, tithe, 15% , that'll keep Him off my scent. Its funny, when we want something from God, we do the same things, GOING TO CHURCH, tithe, pray. mmmmm?
Well lately I feel like I've sipped from the "cup". Not a big drink compared to Christ, but a sip.
I thought it would bear fruit, it should right? But I find myself getting really ticked off at the different situations I find myself in. Gods put a lot of thing in my lap that would humble most people, being stripped of everything should make appreciate things that you given back, not me, it just has made me want more!!!!! Ingrate!!! True confessions. If I was Jesus standing next to the guy with the ear that just got lopped off, I'm pretty sure I wouldn't lay hands on him to heal him! When I look around, or hear of others trials thats enough to bring me to my knees in repentance, but its not long before I find myself at it again.. grumbling ! I've really felt this the last three weeks or so. Before I could just take a deep breath when my " sleeping arm" knocked something over, or when I couldn't open a jar with my usual tricks. Why now? when I have come so far should I lose hope? lose patience? Maybe this is just a phase, I've find myself crying again, like today I went out to see my horse and I unexpectedly started wailing. Good thing I was alone! Maybe its more grieving, I thought that was over....
Sunday, December 7, 2008
Getting my life back,, slowly
There are milestones in this year that mark for me evidence that I am getting my life back, the stages that are measured by changes in routine, abilities, or capabilities. When I first came home, I couldn't talk but a few words , nor could I spell!!! Which made is so hard, like explaining to Sam what I wanted was a BROWNIE!!!! After charade like game he could get the picture, almost anything he could guess. I couldn't walk, at all so I couldn't go to the kitchen and point out what it was that I wanted. Now I can say anything , there are some words like " Williamsburg" I had to practice for a couple hours, but I eventually got it, its retraining your mind and mouth not to mention the tongue , to work together.
My world was the bedroom and that's all. I was stuck going on to the bathroom on a " porta potty" in my room. Talk about humbling!!!
I was dizzy constantly, I used to pray 'God I will settle for not being able to walk if just you will take away the dizziness" That's how bad it was. Last month the dizziness left, just like that!
We used to take the wheelchair everywhere, but its gone now. I started walking around the house with a walker, then a 4 prong walker, then a cane, after Upledger, I could walk around the house without even a cane. I remember that when I got to walk to the bathroom, AT NIGHT , IN MY BARE FEET , NOW , " THIS IS PROGRESS!!! Walking in my bare feet is still hard but, at least now my toes relax and don't curl up and make it nearly impossible to take a step!
I still need a cane outside, for balance..... I can even walk to the barn now without a cane, but it takes to long!
The biggest thing is driving, now that a milestone! I tried about 2 months ago, I was sadly disappointed, I didn't have a enough control of my right foot to do the gas evenly, and switch to the brake fast enough. After trying a couple of times I realized it was a no go. Wait! Who says I have to use my right foot? The left will do the job , just as easily. So a week later I tried it. It took some practice, like everything else.... but the important thing was.... I WAS DRIVING!!!! I drove the first time with Michael, crying the whole time, it had been 9 months since I drove. I was free!!!! No more waiting for Michael to take me shopping or any where else for that matter.
AAHHH the simple joys!
The only thing that's still not progressing to the point of being useful is my hand and arm, but I'm not losing hope.
Looking back I see how far I've come, its been almost a year, I'm just grateful for what I have, and look forward to seeing the progress I will see in the next year.
My world was the bedroom and that's all. I was stuck going on to the bathroom on a " porta potty" in my room. Talk about humbling!!!
I was dizzy constantly, I used to pray 'God I will settle for not being able to walk if just you will take away the dizziness" That's how bad it was. Last month the dizziness left, just like that!
We used to take the wheelchair everywhere, but its gone now. I started walking around the house with a walker, then a 4 prong walker, then a cane, after Upledger, I could walk around the house without even a cane. I remember that when I got to walk to the bathroom, AT NIGHT , IN MY BARE FEET , NOW , " THIS IS PROGRESS!!! Walking in my bare feet is still hard but, at least now my toes relax and don't curl up and make it nearly impossible to take a step!
I still need a cane outside, for balance..... I can even walk to the barn now without a cane, but it takes to long!
The biggest thing is driving, now that a milestone! I tried about 2 months ago, I was sadly disappointed, I didn't have a enough control of my right foot to do the gas evenly, and switch to the brake fast enough. After trying a couple of times I realized it was a no go. Wait! Who says I have to use my right foot? The left will do the job , just as easily. So a week later I tried it. It took some practice, like everything else.... but the important thing was.... I WAS DRIVING!!!! I drove the first time with Michael, crying the whole time, it had been 9 months since I drove. I was free!!!! No more waiting for Michael to take me shopping or any where else for that matter.
AAHHH the simple joys!
The only thing that's still not progressing to the point of being useful is my hand and arm, but I'm not losing hope.
Looking back I see how far I've come, its been almost a year, I'm just grateful for what I have, and look forward to seeing the progress I will see in the next year.
Saturday, December 6, 2008
Shrinking Violet???
Since when did I stop and think so much about going out in public. The other day I sat outside of Food Lion to work up my courage to go in. I couldn't do it, so I left. I went to the Legion Hall where Michael was working and I waited for him to finish and we went shopping together.
Sometimes I have a hard time facing the stares, like I am a freak of nature. I really love it when people talk loud at me, as thou because I walk funny, and have bum arm, they assume I must be deaf too!!!
If I'm unlucky enough to have to speak..... well that's a whole added humiliation
Its everywhere I go , its constant, and I'm weary of it.
God I hope , I pray, that I learn the lessons you have for me, if I please YOU then the weight is bearable . Don't let me go back to what,or who I was.
Sometimes I have a hard time facing the stares, like I am a freak of nature. I really love it when people talk loud at me, as thou because I walk funny, and have bum arm, they assume I must be deaf too!!!
If I'm unlucky enough to have to speak..... well that's a whole added humiliation
Its everywhere I go , its constant, and I'm weary of it.
God I hope , I pray, that I learn the lessons you have for me, if I please YOU then the weight is bearable . Don't let me go back to what,or who I was.
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
Pruning
"Every branch that bears fruit He prunes, that it may bear more fruit"
" Therefore do not cast away your confidence, which has great reward. For you have need of endurance so that after you have done the will of God, you may receive the promise."
As I read Job and all he endured, when you listen to his complaints he is questioning God's care, and love for him. That's only natural, the poor guy , after all he was minding his own business and BAM!!! Sounds familar to me.... God was interested in making a good guy even better. He was obviously one of Gods favorites, remember He said to the snake, " what about my servant Job," eh,, eh"" He's quite a guy eh?" paraphrased a little bit.
God was about to allow the enemy access to Job, " Only spare his life" Thanks..... God knew the beginning from the end , He knew Job was going to go , maybe kicking and screaming, to another level of understanding of God. He was gonna get pruned so he could bear more fruit. So it really backfired on ol Satan.
So I see now its not about our comfort, but its about being made into the image and likeness of God.
"Therefore do not cast away your confidence, which has a great reward"
" Therefore do not cast away your confidence, which has great reward. For you have need of endurance so that after you have done the will of God, you may receive the promise."
As I read Job and all he endured, when you listen to his complaints he is questioning God's care, and love for him. That's only natural, the poor guy , after all he was minding his own business and BAM!!! Sounds familar to me.... God was interested in making a good guy even better. He was obviously one of Gods favorites, remember He said to the snake, " what about my servant Job," eh,, eh"" He's quite a guy eh?" paraphrased a little bit.
God was about to allow the enemy access to Job, " Only spare his life" Thanks..... God knew the beginning from the end , He knew Job was going to go , maybe kicking and screaming, to another level of understanding of God. He was gonna get pruned so he could bear more fruit. So it really backfired on ol Satan.
So I see now its not about our comfort, but its about being made into the image and likeness of God.
"Therefore do not cast away your confidence, which has a great reward"
Monday, October 20, 2008
"Daddy's favorite"
About 2 years ago, just before this " thing" started, I had the nerve to say to God " I really want to be one of your favorites" I didn't think about it much, although I repeated it a few times. So just about a week ago I was contemplating on Job,( he was one of Gods favorites) and God reminded me of the prayer I prayed..... What was I thinking????
I remember my father, I always felt like his favorite, he played with me when he got home from work, pushing me on the swing, or giving me a " horseback " ride on his back, crawling on all fours, rearing up so I would cling to him for all I was worth. I loved it, I loved him. I really felt his love for me , thats what I wanted from my heavenly Father.
You may think , He's got a funny way of showing His love.... stay tuned....
I remember my father, I always felt like his favorite, he played with me when he got home from work, pushing me on the swing, or giving me a " horseback " ride on his back, crawling on all fours, rearing up so I would cling to him for all I was worth. I loved it, I loved him. I really felt his love for me , thats what I wanted from my heavenly Father.
You may think , He's got a funny way of showing His love.... stay tuned....
Monday, October 13, 2008
Okay, I did it!
You ever have something that your mind tells you ," you can't do that". I have a lot of that now since the stroke. This is how I deal with it. " O Yeah??? watch me." A couple of times its been a little hairy, but usually I have found the biggest hurdle is in my mind.
The other evening I wanted to go to the back pasture and feed some apples to the horses.
My mind said " you can't do that, its to far and the grass is to long." (Thats pretty bad when blades of GRASS get to be a formidable obstacle!) "What if you fall how will you get up" I can get up if there is something near enough to hang on to. There nothing between the house and the barn. So I had Sam walk with me just in case. But I went.
Same with driving, " you can't do that!!" " O yeah? " The left foot still works, so while I am waiting for the right to come on line, why not use the left. So now I drove to take Sam to college classes this morning, and then I went to the Chiropractor, and then to the salon. Next thing is the grocery store! " Mind , sit down and shut up!!
The other evening I wanted to go to the back pasture and feed some apples to the horses.
My mind said " you can't do that, its to far and the grass is to long." (Thats pretty bad when blades of GRASS get to be a formidable obstacle!) "What if you fall how will you get up" I can get up if there is something near enough to hang on to. There nothing between the house and the barn. So I had Sam walk with me just in case. But I went.
Same with driving, " you can't do that!!" " O yeah? " The left foot still works, so while I am waiting for the right to come on line, why not use the left. So now I drove to take Sam to college classes this morning, and then I went to the Chiropractor, and then to the salon. Next thing is the grocery store! " Mind , sit down and shut up!!
Thursday, September 18, 2008
What is a friend....
A friend is someone that stick by you through thick and thin. I see now that people I thought were friends, just don't have the staying power . I thought because I was there when they needed someone they would be there for me...
In the beginning we had people rally around, bringing meals ... it was a god send, but now that I can see to dinners myself, everyone disappeared. Ladies.. the hard work is done......
What a lesson for me to remember , it doesn't take much a call, a email, to let a person know your thinking of them.
I understand they all have lives, families and houses to clean.....but the Body of Christ really is nowhere to be found........
This is suppose is my own fault.... I have a reputation for being STRONG!!!!!
What else do I have a reputation for? that people don't want to be around me? I asked God to not let me go back to what I was, to peel away all the dross.
So I am strong huh???
News flash..... this is bigger than me!! Somedays I hang by a thread to my faith, somedays the thread breaks.
God is reducing me .... It ain't pretty.
In the beginning we had people rally around, bringing meals ... it was a god send, but now that I can see to dinners myself, everyone disappeared. Ladies.. the hard work is done......
What a lesson for me to remember , it doesn't take much a call, a email, to let a person know your thinking of them.
I understand they all have lives, families and houses to clean.....but the Body of Christ really is nowhere to be found........
This is suppose is my own fault.... I have a reputation for being STRONG!!!!!
What else do I have a reputation for? that people don't want to be around me? I asked God to not let me go back to what I was, to peel away all the dross.
So I am strong huh???
News flash..... this is bigger than me!! Somedays I hang by a thread to my faith, somedays the thread breaks.
God is reducing me .... It ain't pretty.
Sunday, August 17, 2008
Arm wrestling
Just like an Isrealite...I am afraid. So afraid that my arm will always be hanging at my side, that I will never play my guitar again. I afraid I will never do the Virginia Reel again, (its not any fun unless you can take a firm grip and swing). Well today I was in church today and I discovered could raise my arm at the elbow, something I could not do before. Thats huge!!! Your healing me, I said to God.
But what about next week , when am assailed by doubts, can't do something , and I am frustrated. The Isrealites faced obstacle after obstacle, and each time they doubted their deliverence. They forgot how God had just, yesterday, fed them, and found water for them, drown the whole army of Egyptians to set them free by parting the SEA!!!
God does not take pleasure in the horse or the legs of man, but those who fear Him and who trust in His mercy!!
TRUST!!
But what about next week , when am assailed by doubts, can't do something , and I am frustrated. The Isrealites faced obstacle after obstacle, and each time they doubted their deliverence. They forgot how God had just, yesterday, fed them, and found water for them, drown the whole army of Egyptians to set them free by parting the SEA!!!
God does not take pleasure in the horse or the legs of man, but those who fear Him and who trust in His mercy!!
TRUST!!
Wednesday, July 30, 2008
When all else fails ... use your teeth!
Life with one hand.
Ever try and butter a bagel with out the other hand holding it?? You can almost do it with the bagel on a towel, so does'nt slide around to much, almost.
Opening things.....
Zippers, plastic storage bags, bagels in the big long plastic bags, just to name a few. Paper plates wrapped up in plastic, chips,(any kind), just to name a few more. Classy , opening thing s with one's teeth. So refined! I guess what it boils down to is I don't want to ask for help every time I turn around. So you gotta do what you have to do. WARNING!! Try it only in the privacy of your own home.
There is also the knee hold. Mayo, bottles of soda, lotion, (that can only be applied to your right arm, since the gumby trick does'nt work) you name it, my favorite thing is opening thing that have been refrigerated, when I am wearing shorts .
Ever try and butter a bagel with out the other hand holding it?? You can almost do it with the bagel on a towel, so does'nt slide around to much, almost.
Opening things.....
Zippers, plastic storage bags, bagels in the big long plastic bags, just to name a few. Paper plates wrapped up in plastic, chips,(any kind), just to name a few more. Classy , opening thing s with one's teeth. So refined! I guess what it boils down to is I don't want to ask for help every time I turn around. So you gotta do what you have to do. WARNING!! Try it only in the privacy of your own home.
There is also the knee hold. Mayo, bottles of soda, lotion, (that can only be applied to your right arm, since the gumby trick does'nt work) you name it, my favorite thing is opening thing that have been refrigerated, when I am wearing shorts .
Friday, July 25, 2008
Your humming along,, and BAM!!!!
There I was just humming along, for the most part minding my own business, and BAM!!!!
Life changes in a second, one minute your walking and talking, the next day you can't do either. How can I explain it, how can I make you ,the reader, all three of you, see what this is like. I used to throw a ball from third base like a rocket, now I can't even move my fingers!! this is a cruel joke some one played on me. God???
Do I sound like I am complaining ? Maybe I am.... but mostly want you, the three readers, to understand how fast life can change, AND what this has done to change my life. Well first of I have a new mission in life, I want to minister to people who have had....heart attacks???? no, broken backs???? no wrong again,,,,,, strokes, yeah people who have had strokes!!!! SURPRISE ! I want to, with Gods help, reach into that lonely, broken place, and pull as many people out of that " hell" as I can. I want to be there to cheer them on, pick them up when they need it, and listen to them cry or laugh, usually at inappropriate times, and do it with them!!!! Try and show them what a LOT of hard work will do, and show them its worth it in order to get your life back. To push the limits of everything!!! Try everything!!!!
How my life has changed.....
I made dinner now twice. First time I needed help with opening the cans for tuna pasta salad, but next time I made the meatloaf all alone. I cook pancakes, sometimes with shells for added protein or roughage, and I have ventured into grilled cheese some. This has been a real personal victory, for someone who likes to cook, I want everyone to revel in it with me, dinner that I cook, all two of them are to be savored and enjoyed, I ask everyone to stare at the meal for a few minutes before we start.
I am venturing to talk on the phone now. How life has changed. I have dreaded talking on the phone!!!
I can shower alone, not Michael MINDED, not all ,but for my sake he is glad to see me graduate.
I am only on two meds. now, and it will be done to one in a couple of weeks.
I can walk in the driveway now!!! The rocks used to throw me off balance.
I am able to do the laundry now, I've been at it for a couple of months.
I am not in much pain now, only once in a while my arm hurts.
A million more things have changed since the stroke, things I now can do and things I can't do YET, the next big hurdle is driving, this has been one of the hardest things , I hate being trapped...... stay tuned that's gonna soon change.
Life changes in a second, one minute your walking and talking, the next day you can't do either. How can I explain it, how can I make you ,the reader, all three of you, see what this is like. I used to throw a ball from third base like a rocket, now I can't even move my fingers!! this is a cruel joke some one played on me. God???
Do I sound like I am complaining ? Maybe I am.... but mostly want you, the three readers, to understand how fast life can change, AND what this has done to change my life. Well first of I have a new mission in life, I want to minister to people who have had....heart attacks???? no, broken backs???? no wrong again,,,,,, strokes, yeah people who have had strokes!!!! SURPRISE ! I want to, with Gods help, reach into that lonely, broken place, and pull as many people out of that " hell" as I can. I want to be there to cheer them on, pick them up when they need it, and listen to them cry or laugh, usually at inappropriate times, and do it with them!!!! Try and show them what a LOT of hard work will do, and show them its worth it in order to get your life back. To push the limits of everything!!! Try everything!!!!
How my life has changed.....
I made dinner now twice. First time I needed help with opening the cans for tuna pasta salad, but next time I made the meatloaf all alone. I cook pancakes, sometimes with shells for added protein or roughage, and I have ventured into grilled cheese some. This has been a real personal victory, for someone who likes to cook, I want everyone to revel in it with me, dinner that I cook, all two of them are to be savored and enjoyed, I ask everyone to stare at the meal for a few minutes before we start.
I am venturing to talk on the phone now. How life has changed. I have dreaded talking on the phone!!!
I can shower alone, not Michael MINDED, not all ,but for my sake he is glad to see me graduate.
I am only on two meds. now, and it will be done to one in a couple of weeks.
I can walk in the driveway now!!! The rocks used to throw me off balance.
I am able to do the laundry now, I've been at it for a couple of months.
I am not in much pain now, only once in a while my arm hurts.
A million more things have changed since the stroke, things I now can do and things I can't do YET, the next big hurdle is driving, this has been one of the hardest things , I hate being trapped...... stay tuned that's gonna soon change.
WOW!!
WOW , who would of thought people are this way. I am shocked at how people treat me since the stroke. I have tools at my disposal to deal with it , it's hurts don't get me wrong, but eventually God can heal , and I have the power to forgive. So in the end I am free , but this has made me acutely aware of other in my shoes.
Often you are treated as a non entitey, a thing, without a opinion or a brain.
Probably the older a person is who has had such a life altering event , the more they disregard them.
Often you are treated as a non entitey, a thing, without a opinion or a brain.
Probably the older a person is who has had such a life altering event , the more they disregard them.
Friday, June 27, 2008
I am not a
Just because I talk like I am "mentally challenged" (I think that is PC way to put it) doesn't mean I am! I was talking with someone about selling a house and in the course of the conversation I mentioned " capitol gains" they looked shocked, I was thinking like an adult!!!! This does not fit their box. Yes ,I have memory problems, when I was in rehab, a week after the stroke, I couldn't remember how to put my shirt on, but was an ADULT who couldn't remember. I wasn't going to say anything about it here but somewhere , somehow , if only can reach one person, so that a victim of stroke is treated with dignity, then it worth looking as if I am a complainer. AND ANOTHER thing, stop saying "honey" and "sweetie" I can put up with the waitress doing it , she doesn't know me, but stop looking down at me ! By the way can you tell I am PMS? nnnnnnooooo.
Wednesday, June 18, 2008
Upledger Institute
My week at Upledger went really well. There were times when I thought I couldn't take any more, 6 hours a day, for 5 days, sometimes as many as 3 people working on me at one time.
Well you could say I got my monies worth.
Well the results keep coming for as much as 6 weeks, but when I came home I could walk with out a walker or my cane.... I still keep it close by, to keep people in line.
My arms still working on waking up. stay tuned! Thanks for praying.
Well you could say I got my monies worth.
Well the results keep coming for as much as 6 weeks, but when I came home I could walk with out a walker or my cane.... I still keep it close by, to keep people in line.
My arms still working on waking up. stay tuned! Thanks for praying.
Wednesday, April 30, 2008
Courage ????
People keep telling me I am courageous. I have news for you I didn't wait in line for this, nor did I decide to sign up to be a part of Gods plan, I obviously didn't read the fine print if I did sign somewhere!! I would get off this train NOW if I could, but its not being presented to me as a option. If I could conjure up a little miracle I would, I want out!!! I think it says volumes that God had to do something so radical , so seemingly cruel to get through to me! This is not a profile in courage.
Friday, April 25, 2008
Affliction...
For our light affliction, which is but for a moment, is working for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory. 2 Cor 4:17
"Is this all there is ?" Ever here that question? The answer is obviously "no" This "light affliction" is put into perspective when I look around me, something I've done alot lately. This is "light" compared to the plight of other people I know, God has been paradeing the plights of others by me so I can keep it all in perspective, and have a measure of gratitude that is growing. We know God has a much bigger plan, it doesn't always center around our being comfortable, in fact that seems to be the bottom of His list of objectives. I am not even sure its ON the list. He wants to form us into the image of His Son, here is the bad news, we are perfected through suffering. Thats right, made perfect by getting stomped on. WE ARE HARD PRESSED...YET NOT CRUSHED, WE ARE PERPLEXED, BUT NOT IN DESPAIR, PERSECUTED, YET NOT FORSAKEN, STRUCK DOWN, BUT NOT DESTROYED..... That struck down sounds familiar...mmmmm. He did'nt let me be destroyed, the devil would have loved that. God has a plan, no this not all there is....stay tuned
"Is this all there is ?" Ever here that question? The answer is obviously "no" This "light affliction" is put into perspective when I look around me, something I've done alot lately. This is "light" compared to the plight of other people I know, God has been paradeing the plights of others by me so I can keep it all in perspective, and have a measure of gratitude that is growing. We know God has a much bigger plan, it doesn't always center around our being comfortable, in fact that seems to be the bottom of His list of objectives. I am not even sure its ON the list. He wants to form us into the image of His Son, here is the bad news, we are perfected through suffering. Thats right, made perfect by getting stomped on. WE ARE HARD PRESSED...YET NOT CRUSHED, WE ARE PERPLEXED, BUT NOT IN DESPAIR, PERSECUTED, YET NOT FORSAKEN, STRUCK DOWN, BUT NOT DESTROYED..... That struck down sounds familiar...mmmmm. He did'nt let me be destroyed, the devil would have loved that. God has a plan, no this not all there is....stay tuned
Tuesday, April 22, 2008
what hurts??
People who have not had the thrill of hearing my complaints, ask me "What hurts?" How much time do you have? Do you need visuals? When my right butt blew out the first time I was sure childbirth had met its match. An inch deep wound 9 inches long peeled off my body. Then wounds appeared on the rest of my body , when the first wound healed it blew out again. Needless to say my career as a lingere model came to a abrupt end. I felt akin to Job, almost. My children are still with me....Glory to GOD!!!
Then two toes had to be amputated because they went black , circulation issues. Problems caused by the employees in the hospital. I knew I should have stayed home.( there goes my second job as a foot model) That was 10 weeks or so ago and they finally are almost healed. I was on a pain patch for 3 weeks but I didn't like that at all, so I took it off and it took about 2 weeks to get out of my system. I didn't sleep while it was leaving . I have a finger that is slowly amputating itself, barbaric , I think. Caused by another hospital mistake!!!!!!!!!!! Painful to be sure as the nerves die off a little at a time.
Then there is the scar tissue in my sleeping right arm. This only hurt when I lay down. There are various aches and pains that keep life from getting boring but you know what hurts most?
My heart. Feeling like I am walking through a bad dream , and not being able to hear my Lord. He hasn't left me this I am sure of, but I need to hear His voice!!! Isaiah 50 :10 says it all.
Then two toes had to be amputated because they went black , circulation issues. Problems caused by the employees in the hospital. I knew I should have stayed home.( there goes my second job as a foot model) That was 10 weeks or so ago and they finally are almost healed. I was on a pain patch for 3 weeks but I didn't like that at all, so I took it off and it took about 2 weeks to get out of my system. I didn't sleep while it was leaving . I have a finger that is slowly amputating itself, barbaric , I think. Caused by another hospital mistake!!!!!!!!!!! Painful to be sure as the nerves die off a little at a time.
Then there is the scar tissue in my sleeping right arm. This only hurt when I lay down. There are various aches and pains that keep life from getting boring but you know what hurts most?
My heart. Feeling like I am walking through a bad dream , and not being able to hear my Lord. He hasn't left me this I am sure of, but I need to hear His voice!!! Isaiah 50 :10 says it all.
Thursday, April 17, 2008
Out of the mouths of babes!!
Vainity dies a slow painful death, but today I think it took a death blow . Myles was talking about how I've changed in the last three months since the stroke. He talked about how much I can do now, walking ,ever so slowly,and now I can lift my arm up, and I can talk some.He wrapped up the observations with how much my face has changed. " You are'nt beautiful anymore, but I still love you."
"That s good kid ," I said, "because your stuck with me"
"That s good kid ," I said, "because your stuck with me"
Monday, April 14, 2008
Crying and laughing
You would not think strange if someone said they laughed every day, so what. I can say that and so can most people. Well I find myself crying every day. The smallest thing will tip me over the edge,like seeing my horse, having a hard time PUTTING MY SOCKS ON!!! one handed, or Myles asking me a question that requires a huge lengthy explanation. People tell me crying is " cleansing", that God is reaching in and pulling out what needs pulling out, that I should just yield to it . I have no choice, it not a "thing" that I can "yield" to. Its takes over and doesn't let me go till its through with me, kind of disconcerting. I have also acquired a new "primal " kind of noise that goes with it...fun.... especially when I cry in a public place,,, like church for instance ,that's rich. But I should give laughing it due, I now laugh so hard, that find it hard to breathe, that leads me to another disconcerting group of noises, it a wonder Michael takes me anywhere. I have seen a little more control recently, much to my relief, ( and Michael s) I look bad after the stroke, but I really top out while am crying!!!
Saturday, April 12, 2008
Betrayal
My body has served my well these 50 years, so I should be thankful, I am. I have taken good care of her, went out of my way to do it right. I feel betrayed by my body, abandoned by it. Of course my body has not a mind of its own, she is not doing this on purpose.SOOOOO
I don't dare ask why.
I feel betrayed by my Lord, giving access to my life to the evil one...... right now the scripture that come to mind is Psalm 119:75 " in Faithfulness You have afflicted me" . Surley "We see in the mirror dimly"
Isaiah 50:10 says WHO AMONG YOU FEAR THE LORD? WHO OBEYS THE VOICE OF HIS SERVANT? WHO WALKS IN DARKNESS AND HAS NO LIGHT? LET HIM TRUST IN THE NAME OF THE LORD, AND RELY UPON HIS GOD.
AMEN!!!!
I don't dare ask why.
I feel betrayed by my Lord, giving access to my life to the evil one...... right now the scripture that come to mind is Psalm 119:75 " in Faithfulness You have afflicted me" . Surley "We see in the mirror dimly"
Isaiah 50:10 says WHO AMONG YOU FEAR THE LORD? WHO OBEYS THE VOICE OF HIS SERVANT? WHO WALKS IN DARKNESS AND HAS NO LIGHT? LET HIM TRUST IN THE NAME OF THE LORD, AND RELY UPON HIS GOD.
AMEN!!!!
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