No Short cuts...

I remember back in May, I think, I said, " if I could conjure up miracle I would, I want out!!" Speaking of the trial of dealing with the ravages of being " stroked". Well Gods been working, lately I see that the stroke has done things in my life that only suffering can do. I don't know that I feel the same way. Oh I get frustrated, especially with the "one hand" deal, that's the hardest thing at this point to deal with. I'm even getting used to the stares , in the store, as I lumber along. But God has a plan.... I don't think its making me a better 3rd baseman, or a great singer, my voice is gone since the stroke, its growing my character, and that , unfortunately take drastic measures. So I'm willing to keep sipping from the cup till he forms CHRIST in me.

Yielding

There is a fine line between yielding and giving up. Somewhere God asks us to trust and rest "having done all to stand". Does that mean I can stop doing my exercising? That some way Gods going to strengthen my leg/arm? No, but their is a yielding to HIS will, His timing ,trusting Him for the results. I spent 10 or so days frustrated, angry,crying every time I came to a road block. It started with the snow fall, the leylands that I planted ,and have nursed for a number of years, were covered with snow. The branches just hung way down, and would normally go out and shake the snow of all the trees as best as I could. They were uprooted a few years ago when hurricane Isabel came through, I replanted every tree, a real labor of love, now they are my "babies" When the snow fall came I was faced with my limitations, it mad me so mad! A simple thing and I could not do it. Well the next week or so I ran into roadblock after roadblock, the simplest thing were impossible. Every now and then this raises it ugly head , and I crumble.

I was very athletic , thats putting it mildly, from running , throwing a football, baseball, kickboxing, horseback riding, diving, splitting wood, I LOVE TO SPLIT WOOD!!  I was strong!!! I took pride in my physical prowess. That was the key, pride. That thing is every where. Dressing up in a suit so you don't recognize it , but its alway the same result. death.

later...

lauging was never my problem

But it is now! I laugh every time Myles comes with a tale of woe, course it does not help how much "drama" comes with it. All he's got to do is start to tell me "how " he got hurt, and I laugh!! Am I scaring him for life, will we have to pay for counseling?? Is Obama going to tax my laughter?? MMMMM? Put a "CAP" in it. Good luck.

Deep Silence

AAAhhhh my inner voice is back. For a long time , almost a year there was just "silence " and a deep "quiet" in my head. I couldn't hear Gods voice, I couldn't hear my inner voice. Its hard to describe. Right after the stroke,I knew something had happened, what though, I didn't know. I couldn't think pass the moment, the here and now was all I knew. It's been a full year + 2 months, I think i have started to come on line. Like the brain connection has been restored. Gathering my thoughts in one place is still hard, like when I pray, but it forces me to " get to the point" because I only have a few seconds to hold a thought before the Lord, it slips away and I have to chase it down again.
I'm able to get revelation again, BUT gotta write it down, or it slips away, retrieving it is hard.

Self esteem....

The key word in this phrase "self esteem" is self. I realized that God's "esteem" is what I want, need. Self esteem is so fickle, subject to emotions, you know how steady they are! It's subject to circumstances that are always changing, or to the people around us. No, I want something that is constant, a sure thing. He loves me no matter what, what I do, say, think. He's the Papa I always wanted, needed.

God said" Don't blame me!!"

When God was addressing Adam about eating the forbidden fruit from the tree, he said, "The woman you gave to be with me, SHE gave me of the tree and I ate" I always thought that Adam was passing the proverbial buck... she made me.... but the other day I was listening to a preacher on the radio, and as always he was talking about Adam " taking ownership of his sin. "That he should not blame the "weaker" sex for HIS decision. God stopped me in my tracks and said, " he's not blaming Eve, he's blaming ME! " It never dawned on me, nor had I ever heard someone say that Adam was indeed blaming the Lord God, the creator of heaven and earth, what nerve right? I would exit stage right OR left if I was Eve. Adam is going to get smoked, right?

Well a few days later, I was thinking on the fact that Adam showed his ignorance of God , and who He is, by blaming Him, when the Lord very gently said, "you blamed me for the stroke." Your right God I did. "Read Job" He said. That was the end of our conversation. God confirmed that satan hoped I would by crushed in body, soul and spirit, he took a gamble. I'm not, by HIS GRACE .

He lost.

"REHAB"

When I was in "rehab" for the week after the stroke, I really didn't want to be there but I didn't know why. There was definitely something missing but I didn't know what. As I sat there in my wheel chair , IN THE HALL!! they wouldn't let the "inmates" stay in their rooms, I really felt so lost, sad and alone. I felt like I was trapped in a nightmare!
When Michael came that all changed. MMMMM, Michael represented my loved ones, people who CARED! Starting to piece it together I realized in want OUT!!! That's all I thought about was getting out!! Get me out!!
Night time was the worst. they seldom turned the light off out in the hall. I would lay there hoping the light would go off, listening to noises in the hall. Sometimes an "inmate" would yell and scream, sounded like someone was torturing her or him, even worse when a man yelled.
They wouldn't let me have regular liquids, afraid I might choke. They didn't know the I had already had a donut and coffee in the hospital! Wake up and " smell the coffee people" I can do this.
When Michael asked me the 3rd day I was there if I wanted to go, I nodded my head " yes" and cried. I was torture being with strangers and not being able to talk. I couldn't do much in the way of rehabilitation, I was to weak. All I wanted to do was sleep and leave, not in that order.

They tried to have me do flash cards to jog my memory, they really just made my feel stupid, so stupid that I couldn't do simple math. I was never a whiz at math but 2+3 was never a problem.... it was then. It would have been okay if Michael was asking me what 2+3 was, but not a stranger that I knew was just doing "her job". There was a couple of therapist who really cared, its funny how even though your mind is " blank" for lack of a better word, my ability read people was not hindered.
We planned my escape. 2 days, that was all, I could hang on till then. Then my children came to see me..... that's it.... I know where I belong, AT HOME!
So home I went, against " medical advice" It was medical advice that caused the stroke, the loss of 2 toes, my finger tip, and the wounds all over my body. " I think we'll take it from here, thank you very much"
It was like getting lint off a sweater that's fresh from the dryer, if you don't get FAR away, they won't leave you alone.
God assembled a team of specialist, massage therapist, who also does cranial sacral therapy, and is a dear friend, Feldenchris, one of the most gifted practitioners in the US, a friend too, a couple of PT people, also friends. A reflexologist who has been able to target thing that are ailing me and treat them. Like my eyes, sometimes they get so heavy, she can fix that! She is also a friend!
I had a friend who was a chiropractor, boy did I need him, he worked on me for nothing, what a blessing. Most every one did, they just cared about me, so they came. Love , pure love.
I had access to at hyperbaric chamber, a very kind family shared theirs with me, and now have one at home thanks to Michael s brothers and sisters! I read every book that I could get my hands one , ( after I could read again, 6 months later ) and found what worked for others, I've tried everything but stem cell injections, thank I'll pass. Rehab Gods way.
Now I am helping Myles do math, by the time the need for Algebra comes along, ( in the perfect world there would be no need for Algebra) I will have him tutored like all the other boys!