Well someones been prayin....
Yesterday it was like a cloud lifted, hope settled in and it wrapped me in its ever-loving arms and held me tight. I'm still there today.
"O Lord correct me, but with justice, Not in anger, lest You bring me to nothing" You did.
Thank you.
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
Monday, December 15, 2008
Sipping the cup....
Jesus said" if it your will take this cup away from me; nevertheless not My will, but yours, be done.
Well he drank , the whole cup. That was Gods will. He confirmed again His submission," permit this" when his disciples cut one of servant ears off when they came to take him. Not anyone took note that he just healed the guy. Were they focused or what. Rabid I call it.
He who abides in Him ought to himself also to walk just as He walked. 1 John 1:6
God asks us to drink from the cup of suffering, to share in Christs lot. Me,me pick me, we say, right? Not quite. Maybe if I keep a low profile, you know not make waves, He'll pass me by. OR maybe if I pray everyday, GO TO CHURCH, tithe, 15% , that'll keep Him off my scent. Its funny, when we want something from God, we do the same things, GOING TO CHURCH, tithe, pray. mmmmm?
Well lately I feel like I've sipped from the "cup". Not a big drink compared to Christ, but a sip.
I thought it would bear fruit, it should right? But I find myself getting really ticked off at the different situations I find myself in. Gods put a lot of thing in my lap that would humble most people, being stripped of everything should make appreciate things that you given back, not me, it just has made me want more!!!!! Ingrate!!! True confessions. If I was Jesus standing next to the guy with the ear that just got lopped off, I'm pretty sure I wouldn't lay hands on him to heal him! When I look around, or hear of others trials thats enough to bring me to my knees in repentance, but its not long before I find myself at it again.. grumbling ! I've really felt this the last three weeks or so. Before I could just take a deep breath when my " sleeping arm" knocked something over, or when I couldn't open a jar with my usual tricks. Why now? when I have come so far should I lose hope? lose patience? Maybe this is just a phase, I've find myself crying again, like today I went out to see my horse and I unexpectedly started wailing. Good thing I was alone! Maybe its more grieving, I thought that was over....
Well he drank , the whole cup. That was Gods will. He confirmed again His submission," permit this" when his disciples cut one of servant ears off when they came to take him. Not anyone took note that he just healed the guy. Were they focused or what. Rabid I call it.
He who abides in Him ought to himself also to walk just as He walked. 1 John 1:6
God asks us to drink from the cup of suffering, to share in Christs lot. Me,me pick me, we say, right? Not quite. Maybe if I keep a low profile, you know not make waves, He'll pass me by. OR maybe if I pray everyday, GO TO CHURCH, tithe, 15% , that'll keep Him off my scent. Its funny, when we want something from God, we do the same things, GOING TO CHURCH, tithe, pray. mmmmm?
Well lately I feel like I've sipped from the "cup". Not a big drink compared to Christ, but a sip.
I thought it would bear fruit, it should right? But I find myself getting really ticked off at the different situations I find myself in. Gods put a lot of thing in my lap that would humble most people, being stripped of everything should make appreciate things that you given back, not me, it just has made me want more!!!!! Ingrate!!! True confessions. If I was Jesus standing next to the guy with the ear that just got lopped off, I'm pretty sure I wouldn't lay hands on him to heal him! When I look around, or hear of others trials thats enough to bring me to my knees in repentance, but its not long before I find myself at it again.. grumbling ! I've really felt this the last three weeks or so. Before I could just take a deep breath when my " sleeping arm" knocked something over, or when I couldn't open a jar with my usual tricks. Why now? when I have come so far should I lose hope? lose patience? Maybe this is just a phase, I've find myself crying again, like today I went out to see my horse and I unexpectedly started wailing. Good thing I was alone! Maybe its more grieving, I thought that was over....
Sunday, December 7, 2008
Getting my life back,, slowly
There are milestones in this year that mark for me evidence that I am getting my life back, the stages that are measured by changes in routine, abilities, or capabilities. When I first came home, I couldn't talk but a few words , nor could I spell!!! Which made is so hard, like explaining to Sam what I wanted was a BROWNIE!!!! After charade like game he could get the picture, almost anything he could guess. I couldn't walk, at all so I couldn't go to the kitchen and point out what it was that I wanted. Now I can say anything , there are some words like " Williamsburg" I had to practice for a couple hours, but I eventually got it, its retraining your mind and mouth not to mention the tongue , to work together.
My world was the bedroom and that's all. I was stuck going on to the bathroom on a " porta potty" in my room. Talk about humbling!!!
I was dizzy constantly, I used to pray 'God I will settle for not being able to walk if just you will take away the dizziness" That's how bad it was. Last month the dizziness left, just like that!
We used to take the wheelchair everywhere, but its gone now. I started walking around the house with a walker, then a 4 prong walker, then a cane, after Upledger, I could walk around the house without even a cane. I remember that when I got to walk to the bathroom, AT NIGHT , IN MY BARE FEET , NOW , " THIS IS PROGRESS!!! Walking in my bare feet is still hard but, at least now my toes relax and don't curl up and make it nearly impossible to take a step!
I still need a cane outside, for balance..... I can even walk to the barn now without a cane, but it takes to long!
The biggest thing is driving, now that a milestone! I tried about 2 months ago, I was sadly disappointed, I didn't have a enough control of my right foot to do the gas evenly, and switch to the brake fast enough. After trying a couple of times I realized it was a no go. Wait! Who says I have to use my right foot? The left will do the job , just as easily. So a week later I tried it. It took some practice, like everything else.... but the important thing was.... I WAS DRIVING!!!! I drove the first time with Michael, crying the whole time, it had been 9 months since I drove. I was free!!!! No more waiting for Michael to take me shopping or any where else for that matter.
AAHHH the simple joys!
The only thing that's still not progressing to the point of being useful is my hand and arm, but I'm not losing hope.
Looking back I see how far I've come, its been almost a year, I'm just grateful for what I have, and look forward to seeing the progress I will see in the next year.
My world was the bedroom and that's all. I was stuck going on to the bathroom on a " porta potty" in my room. Talk about humbling!!!
I was dizzy constantly, I used to pray 'God I will settle for not being able to walk if just you will take away the dizziness" That's how bad it was. Last month the dizziness left, just like that!
We used to take the wheelchair everywhere, but its gone now. I started walking around the house with a walker, then a 4 prong walker, then a cane, after Upledger, I could walk around the house without even a cane. I remember that when I got to walk to the bathroom, AT NIGHT , IN MY BARE FEET , NOW , " THIS IS PROGRESS!!! Walking in my bare feet is still hard but, at least now my toes relax and don't curl up and make it nearly impossible to take a step!
I still need a cane outside, for balance..... I can even walk to the barn now without a cane, but it takes to long!
The biggest thing is driving, now that a milestone! I tried about 2 months ago, I was sadly disappointed, I didn't have a enough control of my right foot to do the gas evenly, and switch to the brake fast enough. After trying a couple of times I realized it was a no go. Wait! Who says I have to use my right foot? The left will do the job , just as easily. So a week later I tried it. It took some practice, like everything else.... but the important thing was.... I WAS DRIVING!!!! I drove the first time with Michael, crying the whole time, it had been 9 months since I drove. I was free!!!! No more waiting for Michael to take me shopping or any where else for that matter.
AAHHH the simple joys!
The only thing that's still not progressing to the point of being useful is my hand and arm, but I'm not losing hope.
Looking back I see how far I've come, its been almost a year, I'm just grateful for what I have, and look forward to seeing the progress I will see in the next year.
Saturday, December 6, 2008
Shrinking Violet???
Since when did I stop and think so much about going out in public. The other day I sat outside of Food Lion to work up my courage to go in. I couldn't do it, so I left. I went to the Legion Hall where Michael was working and I waited for him to finish and we went shopping together.
Sometimes I have a hard time facing the stares, like I am a freak of nature. I really love it when people talk loud at me, as thou because I walk funny, and have bum arm, they assume I must be deaf too!!!
If I'm unlucky enough to have to speak..... well that's a whole added humiliation
Its everywhere I go , its constant, and I'm weary of it.
God I hope , I pray, that I learn the lessons you have for me, if I please YOU then the weight is bearable . Don't let me go back to what,or who I was.
Sometimes I have a hard time facing the stares, like I am a freak of nature. I really love it when people talk loud at me, as thou because I walk funny, and have bum arm, they assume I must be deaf too!!!
If I'm unlucky enough to have to speak..... well that's a whole added humiliation
Its everywhere I go , its constant, and I'm weary of it.
God I hope , I pray, that I learn the lessons you have for me, if I please YOU then the weight is bearable . Don't let me go back to what,or who I was.
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