Getting my life back,, slowly

There are milestones in this year that mark for me evidence that I am getting my life back, the stages that are measured by changes in routine, abilities, or capabilities. When I first came home, I couldn't talk but a few words , nor could I spell!!! Which made is so hard, like explaining to Sam what I wanted was a BROWNIE!!!! After charade like game he could get the picture, almost anything he could guess. I couldn't walk, at all so I couldn't go to the kitchen and point out what it was that I wanted. Now I can say anything , there are some words like " Williamsburg" I had to practice for a couple hours, but I eventually got it, its retraining your mind and mouth not to mention the tongue , to work together.
My world was the bedroom and that's all. I was stuck going on to the bathroom on a " porta potty" in my room. Talk about humbling!!!
I was dizzy constantly, I used to pray 'God I will settle for not being able to walk if just you will take away the dizziness" That's how bad it was. Last month the dizziness left, just like that!
We used to take the wheelchair everywhere, but its gone now. I started walking around the house with a walker, then a 4 prong walker, then a cane, after Upledger, I could walk around the house without even a cane. I remember that when I got to walk to the bathroom, AT NIGHT , IN MY BARE FEET , NOW , " THIS IS PROGRESS!!! Walking in my bare feet is still hard but, at least now my toes relax and don't curl up and make it nearly impossible to take a step!
I still need a cane outside, for balance..... I can even walk to the barn now without a cane, but it takes to long!
The biggest thing is driving, now that a milestone! I tried about 2 months ago, I was sadly disappointed, I didn't have a enough control of my right foot to do the gas evenly, and switch to the brake fast enough. After trying a couple of times I realized it was a no go. Wait! Who says I have to use my right foot? The left will do the job , just as easily. So a week later I tried it. It took some practice, like everything else.... but the important thing was.... I WAS DRIVING!!!! I drove the first time with Michael, crying the whole time, it had been 9 months since I drove. I was free!!!! No more waiting for Michael to take me shopping or any where else for that matter.
AAHHH the simple joys!
The only thing that's still not progressing to the point of being useful is my hand and arm, but I'm not losing hope.
Looking back I see how far I've come, its been almost a year, I'm just grateful for what I have, and look forward to seeing the progress I will see in the next year.

Shrinking Violet???

Since when did I stop and think so much about going out in public. The other day I sat outside of Food Lion to work up my courage to go in. I couldn't do it, so I left. I went to the Legion Hall where Michael was working and I waited for him to finish and we went shopping together.
Sometimes I have a hard time facing the stares, like I am a freak of nature. I really love it when people talk loud at me, as thou because I walk funny, and have bum arm, they assume I must be deaf too!!!
If I'm unlucky enough to have to speak..... well that's a whole added humiliation
Its everywhere I go , its constant, and I'm weary of it.
God I hope , I pray, that I learn the lessons you have for me, if I please YOU then the weight is bearable . Don't let me go back to what,or who I was.

Pruning

"Every branch that bears fruit He prunes, that it may bear more fruit"
" Therefore do not cast away your confidence, which has great reward. For you have need of endurance so that after you have done the will of God, you may receive the promise."
As I read Job and all he endured, when you listen to his complaints he is questioning God's care, and love for him. That's only natural, the poor guy , after all he was minding his own business and BAM!!! Sounds familar to me.... God was interested in making a good guy even better. He was obviously one of Gods favorites, remember He said to the snake, " what about my servant Job," eh,, eh"" He's quite a guy eh?" paraphrased a little bit.
God was about to allow the enemy access to Job, " Only spare his life" Thanks..... God knew the beginning from the end , He knew Job was going to go , maybe kicking and screaming, to another level of understanding of God. He was gonna get pruned so he could bear more fruit. So it really backfired on ol Satan.
So I see now its not about our comfort, but its about being made into the image and likeness of God.

"Therefore do not cast away your confidence, which has a great reward"

"Daddy's favorite"

About 2 years ago, just before this " thing" started, I had the nerve to say to God " I really want to be one of your favorites" I didn't think about it much, although I repeated it a few times. So just about a week ago I was contemplating on Job,( he was one of Gods favorites) and God reminded me of the prayer I prayed..... What was I thinking????
I remember my father, I always felt like his favorite, he played with me when he got home from work, pushing me on the swing, or giving me a " horseback " ride on his back, crawling on all fours, rearing up so I would cling to him for all I was worth. I loved it, I loved him. I really felt his love for me , thats what I wanted from my heavenly Father.
You may think , He's got a funny way of showing His love.... stay tuned....

Okay, I did it!

You ever have something that your mind tells you ," you can't do that". I have a lot of that now since the stroke. This is how I deal with it. " O Yeah??? watch me." A couple of times its been a little hairy, but usually I have found the biggest hurdle is in my mind.
The other evening I wanted to go to the back pasture and feed some apples to the horses.
My mind said " you can't do that, its to far and the grass is to long." (Thats pretty bad when blades of GRASS get to be a formidable obstacle!) "What if you fall how will you get up" I can get up if there is something near enough to hang on to. There nothing between the house and the barn. So I had Sam walk with me just in case. But I went.
Same with driving, " you can't do that!!" " O yeah? " The left foot still works, so while I am waiting for the right to come on line, why not use the left. So now I drove to take Sam to college classes this morning, and then I went to the Chiropractor, and then to the salon. Next thing is the grocery store! " Mind , sit down and shut up!!

What is a friend....

A friend is someone that stick by you through thick and thin. I see now that people I thought were friends, just don't have the staying power . I thought because I was there when they needed someone they would be there for me...
In the beginning we had people rally around, bringing meals ... it was a god send, but now that I can see to dinners myself, everyone disappeared. Ladies.. the hard work is done......

What a lesson for me to remember , it doesn't take much a call, a email, to let a person know your thinking of them.
I understand they all have lives, families and houses to clean.....but the Body of Christ really is nowhere to be found........
This is suppose is my own fault.... I have a reputation for being STRONG!!!!!
What else do I have a reputation for? that people don't want to be around me? I asked God to not let me go back to what I was, to peel away all the dross.
So I am strong huh???
News flash..... this is bigger than me!! Somedays I hang by a thread to my faith, somedays the thread breaks.
God is reducing me .... It ain't pretty.

Arm wrestling

Just like an Isrealite...I am afraid. So afraid that my arm will always be hanging at my side, that I will never play my guitar again. I afraid I will never do the Virginia Reel again, (its not any fun unless you can take a firm grip and swing). Well today I was in church today and I discovered could raise my arm at the elbow, something I could not do before. Thats huge!!! Your healing me, I said to God.
But what about next week , when am assailed by doubts, can't do something , and I am frustrated. The Isrealites faced obstacle after obstacle, and each time they doubted their deliverence. They forgot how God had just, yesterday, fed them, and found water for them, drown the whole army of Egyptians to set them free by parting the SEA!!!
God does not take pleasure in the horse or the legs of man, but those who fear Him and who trust in His mercy!!

TRUST!!