All Alone

After we lost our daughter Caitlin, a couple of things I could never resolve. The fact that Caitlin died alone really ripped me apart. When your kids are sick , naturally you want to be there for them, hold their hand when its really bad. Well Caitlin got trapped under her mattress in a crib at someone house we were at, and she died under that mattress, I was in the other room, ignorant of her struggle. God allowed this to happen this way. He knew He was going to show me something of HIS heart, what HE endured for OUR sake. He cried with us , carried us through that time.
Well Gods brought closure to these that have plagued me all these years.
God showed me HE could relate to my suffering.
God turned His back on Jesus while He was dying, when Jesus needed Him the most, He had become sin so His Father couldn't look at Him or be with Him in His death! Jesus died alone, trusting the Father that He would be on the other side of the cross.
Imagine turning your back on your only child, your Son who never did anything that displeased you. Having to abandon your child when He's suffering so, calling out to you!!
Why did God allow this to happen to our child and us? With the choice that always presented to us , in any "event" that's painful, we could be bitter or choose to trust God. 20 + years later this is what He has shown me about Caitlin's dying alone.
I call it "sipping the cup " of suffering, partaking of the cup of suffering , so we can share with God and His Son what HE did for us. Get a glimpse of His love toward us, and Jesus's sacrifice.
Taste what the Father tasted! We went through this , not willingly. GOD WAS WILLINGLY SACRIFICING HIS SON THAT WE COULD HAVE A RELATIONSHIP WITH HIM!!! It was the only way, the only way the" veil could be torn,"Luke 23:45, Hebrews 10: 19-20, that separated us from the most Holy God!!

Things happen in this life that we are not able to understand, bad things, but if we give them over to the Father , if we lay them at the altar and not allow bitterness to take root, then someway, someday God will show you how, " All things work together for good ,to those who love God, and are called according to HIS purpose" Romans 8:28

God knew someday, I would be undone by the knowledge of GOD'S suffering, that it would pierce my heart in such a way that my love would forever sealed in Gods heart.

God's raising an army, an army who KNOW their God and who are KNOWN by Him. To KNOW the heart of God you have to be willing to "SIP FROM THE CUP". Not run from the cup, but trust the Lord to see you through to the other side, as Jesus did at the cross. Romans 5 :3-4

Taking the Offensive!

Maybe its because I was a rebellious child growing up this come natural . Now that I'm on the right side of "the law" so to speak, this "rebellion" still comes in handy, but it displays it self in constructive ways. I'm not crawling out the windows at night anymore. Now it is more like "taking the offensive" against anything and everything that stands in my way of a goal. Following God more closely or doing something that my body say "no, you can't do that!"" O yeah...... watch me"

Michael and I were going out to dinner, like we do every Friday night, and I was meeting him in town. There no parking so I had to park a long way from the office. I called Michael and he said he's be there in "5". " SUUURRRE" There was a "pot holed" parking lot, a street with a big curb, and " hill" to maneuver. Imagine these being my "obstacles"!! But everything is relative. I was so mad that something as mundane as a curb, pot holes ,and hill would dictate my going in to the office on my own. I said to myself, " I can do this" 15 mins later I did. Gods grace.

In the matter of following after God there is a plethora of ways to take the offensive, thereby pleasing God. Forgiving a an offense, when someone has wrong you, send them flowers. Go the "extra mile" when doing a favor. Something as simple as going in to a prayer time when your not "feeling" inspired. I have found that whenever you take one step , God takes 100.
In this age of " VICTIM HOOD" people get in habit of going on the defensive, every where you turn you can see it..........
Imagine if the Church would go on the OFFENSIVE.... mmmmmm I don't think we would be where we are in America today, but that another topic, related but, nonetheless for another day.

Pushin the Envelope

There some things that I do that are hard, like going shopping at Whole Food by myself. The parking lot has a "slant" to it and pushing a "fully loaded " basket of groceries is , well , looking back its kinda comical. Wasn't funny at the time.
Everything I've done at one time was pushing the envelope. Leaving the wheelchair behind before it was "time" forced me to WALK. When I had had enough of being chairbound , that was incentive to push myself to the limit. First around the house, then out and about.
Driving was another thing that was pushing the limits. Thinking back now where I was then and compare to now, its scary to think I took control of a machine as big as car, as dangerous as car 9 months out from the stroke. My reaction time alone says I was pushing the envelope. BUT just as before with the "stupid chair" when there was something I could do before, I wanted it back!! Like driving to the store, walking in, and buying groceries!!
I want my singing voice back , so even though I SOUND REALLY BAD, I sing , alone, but I sing!
Next is cutting the grass....... push mower.
God trusted me enough to allow this to happen, knowing that I would fight my way back. Knowing I would turn to Him , instead of giving up, instead of getting stuck on mad. Oh I was mad for a bit, but I realized just who was behind this. God knew this would just knock out the dross out, it's working. The things that kept me from entering into another level of my relationship with HIM are slowly peeling away . Thank you God!

The Beginning

"How did this happen ?" Well how much time do you have?
I haven't been able revisit this time of my life till now, it was too painful, to scary to ponder.
But lately I've come to the realization that I'm truly on the other side of this, its in my rear view window......
It all started when I took care of my friends 6 Newfoundland dogs. I picked up some kind of nasty bug(parasite) that caused 8 weeks of the "trots" . Needless to say I lost about 20 lbs, I tried everything herbal nothing seemed to work. ( If I had it to do over I would have stuck with the herbal "big guns" I just didn't give it enough time.) BUT I went to a GI specialist, "they" prescribed Cipro a VERY big gun in the pharmaceutical world. It gave me Ulcerative Colitis . This caused more weight loss which caused a gallbladder stone, which "they " immediately wanted to remove. THE GALLBLADDER that is, I said "no thanks , I need that." So they gave me my very own " stent" to prevent another stone from lodging.
Anyone who has had a problem with the gallbladder knows how painful this, this was the beginning of a "journey in pain" good thing I didn't know what was coming. I had 3 major attack s with the GB, then it settled down.
I was on a liquid diet for UC, which caused me to lose more weight. Then my spleen wanted to get in the spotlight. It infarcted 2 times on separate occasions. More Pain, a LOT more. So "they" gave me blood thinners. The kind they give rats to kill them.

I was supposed to be monitored 1x a week," they" didn't want to do that, didn't think I needed that. So I bled out through my skin. Wounds all over my body. The worse was 9 inches long and 7 inches wide on my BUTT!! So I ended up with a hematoma that was near down to the bone , the whole way around my right" cheek". When it was almost healed it blew out again. I didn't want to turn the other "cheek" but unfortunately I did. But not as bad. Talk about pain. I was unbelievable!
So I went to the hospital , again, for the wound to be "debrided" , that when the "fun" began.

"They" put "compression wraps" the kind that fill with air and then let go, on my legs. The problem was I had something called "vasculitis" which is no-no for using the "wraps". So immediately my legs hurt, Michael got the nurse, they took them off. Enter--- next shift they put them on again, my toes went black and I was in so much pain, Michael then went to the Dr. who said " You never put those on a patient who has vasculitis!!" He put a sign on my bed to stop anyone else who wanted to play nurse , not to do that.
But the damage was done. The two toes were dead, after 4 months or so of more pain ," they " removed my toes.. It took 8weeks for the wound to heal.They were amputated AFTER the stroke.
Then " they " found the clots, presumably from the "compression wraps" in my legs. So " they" installed a Ivc? in my artery to keep any clot from causing trouble...
Then a Dr. gave me a medicine that caused the "smatter clots" to hit my brain. Amicar was it's name... it was one of the warning with this medicine, one of possible side effects.
We called the ER and told them I was coming, MY DOCTOR called them.   When I came in they made me answer questions for 15-20 mins (there goes my arm...... "time lost is brain lost") Could not walk or talk when she was finished .....THEN gave me the WRONG meds for an hour....

While I was in the ER a "nurse" put the IV in my hand, which later Dr B--- told us it should always be put in the groin, BECAUSE OF THE VASCULITIS!!! So , guess what.... my hand started to go black. "They" immediately put on nitroglycerin and I finally got most of my hand restored, but I lost my finger , just below the nail.
It took 4 months for the surgeon to agree to remove the tip. I was in and out of the hospital for the PAIN, more PAIN!! As the finger slowly died off the nerves were constantly screaming at me...... Especially at night!! So after 4 months it was PAINFULLY removed. ( are getting a pattern here?) For some reason " they" couldn't use anesthetic , the USUAL kind.... it hurt...... THAT'S ALL I'M GOING TO SAY! ( That was after the stroke........)

Now you know the MOST of the story........ cliff notes version

I've graduated!!

I have the right to be here,........ at Food Lion..... to shop. Lately something new has risen up in my spirit. Having done some serious warfare against " ugly" in the arena of the mind, the voices that scream at me when I would go in public, ( not unlike the voices that whisper in "lispy" hushed tones the morning, )I've gained a new approach to shopping. I used to have to psyche myself up, not more than once , leave, because I didn't have the courage to face the stares, even the snickers, yeah, from adults! Or "kids" in adult bodies. I thought Myles my 8 yr old was going to take one teenager apart. " Calm down tiger"
Today I have turned a "corner". I held my head up in the store today, not in pride..... IN DEFIANCE!!!!!!! "ugly" I'm done hanging my head in fear, in shame, in embarrassment. YOUR FINISHED PUSHING ME AROUND! This is war!! and , "bang bang" your dead!! Thank you Papa for showing how to use my weapons, especially the Sword of the Spirit, I really like that one......I get a charge out of "uglies" fiery darts , fizzle out at my feet, pathetic things that they are.

As a gift for my "graduation" from the old me, The Papa blessed me by " introducing " me to Linda. Linda came up to my car after finishing loading my groceries, kindly told me if I ever need some help, she has a teen who I could call on. She asked me if I had had a stroke ( how did she know mmmmmm?) and that she was a nurse, OH that's how she knew! :) Her eyes teared up while we talked, she said she feel s so sorry for me. I assured her that I felt sorry about the stroke enough for the both of us. (I could have used a nurse like her when I was in "rehab".)
The truth is, I'm getting past the sadness, I'm entering in to new excitement. ugly has been a big help, in that the more he (he? the lisp makes me wonder, I 'm just sayin...) screams that I will never have the use of my hand back, the more I BELIEVE I WILL!!
" uglies" good for somethin.

Never Under Estimate the Power of Gratitude!

My good friend Terry was telling our prayer gp how she's just trying to look at the little thing s that she is grateful for, that was about 2 weeks ago. This morning I woke up and the "ugly one" was hanging around, whispering , as he so often does, the annoying "lispy" kind of whispers. I hate that . "So much of "you" who you are, is gone. " "lisp ,lisp, slurp" "So much of the physical that you loved so much is gone. You can't ride the motorcycle, can't cut the grass, you can't ride your horse, can't even GET to him, while the grass is long!! Can't go for runs, can't even go for a walk, like I used to. Can't get the tick crawling up my left arm!!! And the list goes on and on"...................

But...........

I have a lot to be grateful for! That I made it out of UVA hospital alive, that I made it to the door with all, well almost all my body parts intact. Nearly lost my spleen, gallbladder, my life! So my job is to center on what is now "me" and make the most of it. The new" me " is kinder, gentler, ( with out my "right hook"..) the new "me"thinks before I speak, I have to say the words in my mind first otherwise its all a jumble. I can do my garden ahhhhhhhhhhh, so satisfying. I can read!!!I can talk!! I can shop, ( despite the stares I get when I'm out, learning to cope) I can drive! 6 hp is almost as good as 1 horsepower. I can pray, even more I can hear GOD again!!! AHHHHHH I really missed Him when I first was recovering. AND I didn't even know I missed HIM. Figure that one out!

I want to know Gods purpose (s) in allowing "ugly" this much access to my life. It is a battle that I face everyday, to look beyond the flesh, beyond the outward , to the hidden place, where Gods work, His finest work is done.

I want to DO!!!

Thats right I want to DO! Just like Martha "did" things. Only difference is Martha complained the Mary didn't help her, didn't carry her weight. I'm not complaining about others....... " One thing is needful.
God has seen fit to restore many things, the other day He asked me " What have done with what I've given you?"Good question. I'd have to say I've squandered about 50% of my newly regained abilities on earthly things, selfish pursuits. If "One thing is needful " is the "gauge " then I've given the Lord 50%. He gave me a picture of myself   IF I could "do" everything I wanted to what that would look like. It wasn't pretty. Face it, spring brings the" mad woman" out in me.
Be still.... and know that HE is God.

Every now and then....

Every now and then the reality gangs up on me and hits me square in face. Usually by this time of the year my gardens are well underway, not this year. Oh I still have plans but I'm relying on others to make it happen, I HATE THAT !!!! Your breaking my heart Papa....

So I will make deal with you God. Give me the measure of the spirit, YOUR SPIRIT, the measure you have allowed "ugly" to take from me in the flesh. I will be satisfied.
Give me in the Spirit the measure of your Spirit to replace the "friends" that have gone away.....
Give me in the Spirit the measure that I sorely miss in singing praise.... give me in the Spirit the full measure of the strength that was mine, remember I WAS STRONG!! Ok I wasn't as strong as when I was 30, but at least I had 2 hands, right?

OR you can restore all these things that were mine before, but only if I can keep the measure of Your Spirit. The full measure of our deal. Does this work for you? Sign right here___________________. OR just say "Yes" That's good enough for me.

I love you Lord.

The mind, its a terrible thing to waste

When I pray my mind is like a CB scanner, it flits about, here and there, never in one place to long. So it hard to hold on to thoughts or prayers for someone. VERY frustrating. One day I asked the Lord if you going to heal anything , make it my mind , so I can stop chasing my prayers. That morning I was able to concentrate on each thing that God laid on my heart, just like old times with the Lord!! BUT different, BETTER. O Jesus, you so good to me, Thank you.

No Short cuts...

I remember back in May, I think, I said, " if I could conjure up miracle I would, I want out!!" Speaking of the trial of dealing with the ravages of being " stroked". Well Gods been working, lately I see that the stroke has done things in my life that only suffering can do. I don't know that I feel the same way. Oh I get frustrated, especially with the "one hand" deal, that's the hardest thing at this point to deal with. I'm even getting used to the stares , in the store, as I lumber along. But God has a plan.... I don't think its making me a better 3rd baseman, or a great singer, my voice is gone since the stroke, its growing my character, and that , unfortunately take drastic measures. So I'm willing to keep sipping from the cup till he forms CHRIST in me.

Yielding

There is a fine line between yielding and giving up. Somewhere God asks us to trust and rest "having done all to stand". Does that mean I can stop doing my exercising? That some way Gods going to strengthen my leg/arm? No, but their is a yielding to HIS will, His timing ,trusting Him for the results. I spent 10 or so days frustrated, angry,crying every time I came to a road block. It started with the snow fall, the leylands that I planted ,and have nursed for a number of years, were covered with snow. The branches just hung way down, and would normally go out and shake the snow of all the trees as best as I could. They were uprooted a few years ago when hurricane Isabel came through, I replanted every tree, a real labor of love, now they are my "babies" When the snow fall came I was faced with my limitations, it mad me so mad! A simple thing and I could not do it. Well the next week or so I ran into roadblock after roadblock, the simplest thing were impossible. Every now and then this raises it ugly head , and I crumble.

I was very athletic , thats putting it mildly, from running , throwing a football, baseball, kickboxing, horseback riding, diving, splitting wood, I LOVE TO SPLIT WOOD!!  I was strong!!! I took pride in my physical prowess. That was the key, pride. That thing is every where. Dressing up in a suit so you don't recognize it , but its alway the same result. death.

later...

lauging was never my problem

But it is now! I laugh every time Myles comes with a tale of woe, course it does not help how much "drama" comes with it. All he's got to do is start to tell me "how " he got hurt, and I laugh!! Am I scaring him for life, will we have to pay for counseling?? Is Obama going to tax my laughter?? MMMMM? Put a "CAP" in it. Good luck.

Deep Silence

AAAhhhh my inner voice is back. For a long time , almost a year there was just "silence " and a deep "quiet" in my head. I couldn't hear Gods voice, I couldn't hear my inner voice. Its hard to describe. Right after the stroke,I knew something had happened, what though, I didn't know. I couldn't think pass the moment, the here and now was all I knew. It's been a full year + 2 months, I think i have started to come on line. Like the brain connection has been restored. Gathering my thoughts in one place is still hard, like when I pray, but it forces me to " get to the point" because I only have a few seconds to hold a thought before the Lord, it slips away and I have to chase it down again.
I'm able to get revelation again, BUT gotta write it down, or it slips away, retrieving it is hard.

Self esteem....

The key word in this phrase "self esteem" is self. I realized that God's "esteem" is what I want, need. Self esteem is so fickle, subject to emotions, you know how steady they are! It's subject to circumstances that are always changing, or to the people around us. No, I want something that is constant, a sure thing. He loves me no matter what, what I do, say, think. He's the Papa I always wanted, needed.

God said" Don't blame me!!"

When God was addressing Adam about eating the forbidden fruit from the tree, he said, "The woman you gave to be with me, SHE gave me of the tree and I ate" I always thought that Adam was passing the proverbial buck... she made me.... but the other day I was listening to a preacher on the radio, and as always he was talking about Adam " taking ownership of his sin. "That he should not blame the "weaker" sex for HIS decision. God stopped me in my tracks and said, " he's not blaming Eve, he's blaming ME! " It never dawned on me, nor had I ever heard someone say that Adam was indeed blaming the Lord God, the creator of heaven and earth, what nerve right? I would exit stage right OR left if I was Eve. Adam is going to get smoked, right?

Well a few days later, I was thinking on the fact that Adam showed his ignorance of God , and who He is, by blaming Him, when the Lord very gently said, "you blamed me for the stroke." Your right God I did. "Read Job" He said. That was the end of our conversation. God confirmed that satan hoped I would by crushed in body, soul and spirit, he took a gamble. I'm not, by HIS GRACE .

He lost.

"REHAB"

When I was in "rehab" for the week after the stroke, I really didn't want to be there but I didn't know why. There was definitely something missing but I didn't know what. As I sat there in my wheel chair , IN THE HALL!! they wouldn't let the "inmates" stay in their rooms, I really felt so lost, sad and alone. I felt like I was trapped in a nightmare!
When Michael came that all changed. MMMMM, Michael represented my loved ones, people who CARED! Starting to piece it together I realized in want OUT!!! That's all I thought about was getting out!! Get me out!!
Night time was the worst. they seldom turned the light off out in the hall. I would lay there hoping the light would go off, listening to noises in the hall. Sometimes an "inmate" would yell and scream, sounded like someone was torturing her or him, even worse when a man yelled.
They wouldn't let me have regular liquids, afraid I might choke. They didn't know the I had already had a donut and coffee in the hospital! Wake up and " smell the coffee people" I can do this.
When Michael asked me the 3rd day I was there if I wanted to go, I nodded my head " yes" and cried. I was torture being with strangers and not being able to talk. I couldn't do much in the way of rehabilitation, I was to weak. All I wanted to do was sleep and leave, not in that order.

They tried to have me do flash cards to jog my memory, they really just made my feel stupid, so stupid that I couldn't do simple math. I was never a whiz at math but 2+3 was never a problem.... it was then. It would have been okay if Michael was asking me what 2+3 was, but not a stranger that I knew was just doing "her job". There was a couple of therapist who really cared, its funny how even though your mind is " blank" for lack of a better word, my ability read people was not hindered.
We planned my escape. 2 days, that was all, I could hang on till then. Then my children came to see me..... that's it.... I know where I belong, AT HOME!
So home I went, against " medical advice" It was medical advice that caused the stroke, the loss of 2 toes, my finger tip, and the wounds all over my body. " I think we'll take it from here, thank you very much"
It was like getting lint off a sweater that's fresh from the dryer, if you don't get FAR away, they won't leave you alone.
God assembled a team of specialist, massage therapist, who also does cranial sacral therapy, and is a dear friend, Feldenchris, one of the most gifted practitioners in the US, a friend too, a couple of PT people, also friends. A reflexologist who has been able to target thing that are ailing me and treat them. Like my eyes, sometimes they get so heavy, she can fix that! She is also a friend!
I had a friend who was a chiropractor, boy did I need him, he worked on me for nothing, what a blessing. Most every one did, they just cared about me, so they came. Love , pure love.
I had access to at hyperbaric chamber, a very kind family shared theirs with me, and now have one at home thanks to Michael s brothers and sisters! I read every book that I could get my hands one , ( after I could read again, 6 months later ) and found what worked for others, I've tried everything but stem cell injections, thank I'll pass. Rehab Gods way.
Now I am helping Myles do math, by the time the need for Algebra comes along, ( in the perfect world there would be no need for Algebra) I will have him tutored like all the other boys!