Courage ????

People keep telling me I am courageous. I have news for you I didn't wait in line for this, nor did I decide to sign up to be a part of Gods plan, I obviously didn't read the fine print if I did sign somewhere!! I would get off this train NOW if I could, but its not being presented to me as a option. If I could conjure up a little miracle I would, I want out!!! I think it says volumes that God had to do something so radical , so seemingly cruel to get through to me! This is not a profile in courage.

Affliction...

For our light affliction, which is but for a moment, is working for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory. 2 Cor 4:17
"Is this all there is ?" Ever here that question? The answer is obviously "no" This "light affliction" is put into perspective when I look around me, something I've done alot lately. This is "light" compared to the plight of other people I know, God has been paradeing the plights of others by me so I can keep it all in perspective, and have a measure of gratitude that is growing. We know God has a much bigger plan, it doesn't always center around our being comfortable, in fact that seems to be the bottom of His list of objectives. I am not even sure its ON the list. He wants to form us into the image of His Son, here is the bad news, we are perfected through suffering. Thats right, made perfect by getting stomped on. WE ARE HARD PRESSED...YET NOT CRUSHED, WE ARE PERPLEXED, BUT NOT IN DESPAIR, PERSECUTED, YET NOT FORSAKEN, STRUCK DOWN, BUT NOT DESTROYED..... That struck down sounds familiar...mmmmm. He did'nt let me be destroyed, the devil would have loved that. God has a plan, no this not all there is....stay tuned

what hurts??

People who have not had the thrill of hearing my complaints, ask me "What hurts?" How much time do you have? Do you need visuals? When my right butt blew out the first time I was sure childbirth had met its match. An inch deep wound 9 inches long peeled off my body. Then wounds appeared on the rest of my body , when the first wound healed it blew out again. Needless to say my career as a lingere model came to a abrupt end. I felt akin to Job, almost. My children are still with me....Glory to GOD!!!
Then two toes had to be amputated because they went black , circulation issues. Problems caused by the employees in the hospital. I knew I should have stayed home.( there goes my second job as a foot model) That was 10 weeks or so ago and they finally are almost healed. I was on a pain patch for 3 weeks but I didn't like that at all, so I took it off and it took about 2 weeks to get out of my system. I didn't sleep while it was leaving . I have a finger that is slowly amputating itself, barbaric , I think. Caused by another hospital mistake!!!!!!!!!!! Painful to be sure as the nerves die off a little at a time.
Then there is the scar tissue in my sleeping right arm. This only hurt when I lay down. There are various aches and pains that keep life from getting boring but you know what hurts most?

My heart. Feeling like I am walking through a bad dream , and not being able to hear my Lord. He hasn't left me this I am sure of, but I need to hear His voice!!! Isaiah 50 :10 says it all.

Out of the mouths of babes!!

Vainity dies a slow painful death, but today I think it took a death blow . Myles was talking about how I've changed in the last three months since the stroke. He talked about how much I can do now, walking ,ever so slowly,and now I can lift my arm up, and I can talk some.He wrapped up the observations with how much my face has changed. " You are'nt beautiful anymore, but I still love you."
"That s good kid ," I said, "because your stuck with me"

Crying and laughing

You would not think strange if someone said they laughed every day, so what. I can say that and so can most people. Well I find myself crying every day. The smallest thing will tip me over the edge,like seeing my horse, having a hard time PUTTING MY SOCKS ON!!! one handed, or Myles asking me a question that requires a huge lengthy explanation. People tell me crying is " cleansing", that God is reaching in and pulling out what needs pulling out, that I should just yield to it . I have no choice, it not a "thing" that I can "yield" to. Its takes over and doesn't let me go till its through with me, kind of disconcerting. I have also acquired a new "primal " kind of noise that goes with it...fun.... especially when I cry in a public place,,, like church for instance ,that's rich. But I should give laughing it due, I now laugh so hard, that find it hard to breathe, that leads me to another disconcerting group of noises, it a wonder Michael takes me anywhere. I have seen a little more control recently, much to my relief, ( and Michael s) I look bad after the stroke, but I really top out while am crying!!!

Betrayal

My body has served my well these 50 years, so I should be thankful, I am. I have taken good care of her, went out of my way to do it right. I feel betrayed by my body, abandoned by it. Of course my body has not a mind of its own, she is not doing this on purpose.SOOOOO

I don't dare ask why.
I feel betrayed by my Lord, giving access to my life to the evil one...... right now the scripture that come to mind is Psalm 119:75 " in Faithfulness You have afflicted me" . Surley "We see in the mirror dimly"

Isaiah 50:10 says WHO AMONG YOU FEAR THE LORD? WHO OBEYS THE VOICE OF HIS SERVANT? WHO WALKS IN DARKNESS AND HAS NO LIGHT? LET HIM TRUST IN THE NAME OF THE LORD, AND RELY UPON HIS GOD.

AMEN!!!!