There some things that I do that are hard, like going shopping at Whole Food by myself. The parking lot has a "slant" to it and pushing a "fully loaded " basket of groceries is , well , looking back its kinda comical. Wasn't funny at the time.
Everything I've done at one time was pushing the envelope. Leaving the wheelchair behind before it was "time" forced me to WALK. When I had had enough of being chairbound , that was incentive to push myself to the limit. First around the house, then out and about.
Driving was another thing that was pushing the limits. Thinking back now where I was then and compare to now, its scary to think I took control of a machine as big as car, as dangerous as car 9 months out from the stroke. My reaction time alone says I was pushing the envelope. BUT just as before with the "stupid chair" when there was something I could do before, I wanted it back!! Like driving to the store, walking in, and buying groceries!!
I want my singing voice back , so even though I SOUND REALLY BAD, I sing , alone, but I sing!
Next is cutting the grass....... push mower.
God trusted me enough to allow this to happen, knowing that I would fight my way back. Knowing I would turn to Him , instead of giving up, instead of getting stuck on mad. Oh I was mad for a bit, but I realized just who was behind this. God knew this would just knock out the dross out, it's working. The things that kept me from entering into another level of my relationship with HIM are slowly peeling away . Thank you God!
"How did this happen ?" Well how much time do you have?
I haven't been able revisit this time of my life till now, it was too painful, to scary to ponder.
But lately I've come to the realization that I'm truly on the other side of this, its in my rear view window......
It all started when I took care of my friends 6 Newfoundland dogs. I picked up some kind of nasty bug(parasite) that caused 8 weeks of the "trots" . Needless to say I lost about 20 lbs, I tried everything herbal nothing seemed to work. ( If I had it to do over I would have stuck with the herbal "big guns" I just didn't give it enough time.) BUT I went to a GI specialist, "they" prescribed Cipro a VERY big gun in the pharmaceutical world. It gave me Ulcerative Colitis . This caused more weight loss which caused a gallbladder stone, which "they " immediately wanted to remove. THE GALLBLADDER that is, I said "no thanks , I need that." So they gave me my very own " stent" to prevent another stone from lodging.
Anyone who has had a problem with the gallbladder knows how painful this, this was the beginning of a "journey in pain" good thing I didn't know what was coming. I had 3 major attack s with the GB, then it settled down.
I was on a liquid diet for UC, which caused me to lose more weight. Then my spleen wanted to get in the spotlight. It infarcted 2 times on separate occasions. More Pain, a LOT more. So "they" gave me blood thinners. The kind they give rats to kill them.
I was supposed to be monitored 1x a week," they" didn't want to do that, didn't think I needed that. So I bled out through my skin. Wounds all over my body. The worse was 9 inches long and 7 inches wide on my BUTT!! So I ended up with a hematoma that was near down to the bone , the whole way around my right" cheek". When it was almost healed it blew out again. I didn't want to turn the other "cheek" but unfortunately I did. But not as bad. Talk about pain. I was unbelievable!
So I went to the hospital , again, for the wound to be "debrided" , that when the "fun" began.
"They" put "compression wraps" the kind that fill with air and then let go, on my legs. The problem was I had something called "vasculitis" which is no-no for using the "wraps". So immediately my legs hurt, Michael got the nurse, they took them off. Enter--- next shift they put them on again, my toes went black and I was in so much pain, Michael then went to the Dr. who said " You never put those on a patient who has vasculitis!!" He put a sign on my bed to stop anyone else who wanted to play nurse , not to do that.
But the damage was done. The two toes were dead, after 4 months or so of more pain ," they " removed my toes.. It took 8weeks for the wound to heal.They were amputated AFTER the stroke.
Then " they " found the clots, presumably from the "compression wraps" in my legs. So " they" installed a Ivc? in my artery to keep any clot from causing trouble...
Then a Dr. gave me a medicine that caused the "smatter clots" to hit my brain. Amicar was it's name... it was one of the warning with this medicine, one of possible side effects.
We called the ER and told them I was coming, MY DOCTOR called them. When I came in they made me answer questions for 15-20 mins (there goes my
arm...... "time lost is brain lost") Could not walk or talk when she was
finished .....THEN gave me the WRONG meds for an
hour....
While I was in the ER a "nurse" put the IV in my hand, which later Dr B--- told us it should always be put in the groin, BECAUSE OF THE VASCULITIS!!! So , guess what.... my hand started to go black. "They" immediately put on nitroglycerin and I finally got most of my hand restored, but I lost my finger , just below the nail.
It took 4 months for the surgeon to agree to remove the tip. I was in and out of the hospital for the PAIN, more PAIN!! As the finger slowly died off the nerves were constantly screaming at me...... Especially at night!! So after 4 months it was PAINFULLY removed. ( are getting a pattern here?) For some reason " they" couldn't use anesthetic , the USUAL kind.... it hurt...... THAT'S ALL I'M GOING TO SAY! ( That was after the stroke........)
Now you know the MOST of the story........ cliff notes version
I have the right to be here,........ at Food Lion..... to shop. Lately something new has risen up in my spirit. Having done some serious warfare against " ugly" in the arena of the mind, the voices that scream at me when I would go in public, ( not unlike the voices that whisper in "lispy" hushed tones the morning, )I've gained a new approach to shopping. I used to have to psyche myself up, not more than once , leave, because I didn't have the courage to face the stares, even the snickers, yeah, from adults! Or "kids" in adult bodies. I thought Myles my 8 yr old was going to take one teenager apart. " Calm down tiger"
Today I have turned a "corner". I held my head up in the store today, not in pride..... IN DEFIANCE!!!!!!! "ugly" I'm done hanging my head in fear, in shame, in embarrassment. YOUR FINISHED PUSHING ME AROUND! This is war!! and , "bang bang" your dead!! Thank you Papa for showing how to use my weapons, especially the Sword of the Spirit, I really like that one......I get a charge out of "uglies" fiery darts , fizzle out at my feet, pathetic things that they are.
As a gift for my "graduation" from the old me, The Papa blessed me by " introducing " me to Linda. Linda came up to my car after finishing loading my groceries, kindly told me if I ever need some help, she has a teen who I could call on. She asked me if I had had a stroke ( how did she know mmmmmm?) and that she was a nurse, OH that's how she knew! :) Her eyes teared up while we talked, she said she feel s so sorry for me. I assured her that I felt sorry about the stroke enough for the both of us. (I could have used a nurse like her when I was in "rehab".)
The truth is, I'm getting past the sadness, I'm entering in to new excitement. ugly has been a big help, in that the more he (he? the lisp makes me wonder, I 'm just sayin...) screams that I will never have the use of my hand back, the more I BELIEVE I WILL!!
" uglies" good for somethin.
